Life and laundry

Having kids is like being a dirty shirt in the washing machine on a never ending wash cycle: constant agitation with no spin cycle in sight.

Prozac with a side of Zoloft

Where does my son come up with these things????

Adam: Mom, I want to watch Bedtime Stories (which is the answer to yesterday's Name that Movie Monday, by the way.)

Me: Okay

Adam: But I'm a little stressed and don't know if I can watch it.

Me: Why are you stressed? Do you want to talk about it?

Adam: Well, I'm stressed because I really want to watch 2 more movies today but I don't want to turn into a couch potato. So what should I do?


He's 5 people. 5 short years old. Somebody please tell me they also have a stressed 5 year old so that I don't go to bed tonight worried that my own 5 year old is weird.

Dictionary Please

The kids have spent the morning playing with the toys my sister brought them from her honeymoon.

Zoey just came crying to me. With Tears in her eyes and a whine in her voice she said to me "I don't want to play with Adam anymore. He is angry and I don't like him when he's like that."

Adam came trailing in, also upset and crying. His whine was "Zoey won't play with me anymore."

Me, knowing how things usually go down when these two play together I asked him, "Well, why doesn't she want to play with you? Where you being bossy."

To which he responded, "No, I wasn't being bossy. She just wouldn't do what I wanted her to do."

Gorgeous

....which is quite a bit harder to spell than you might think.....

Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you

Took my 5 year old to his pre-kindergarten doctor appointment today.

First he totally failed the eye exam.

Then he told the doctor that he's not a good eater. (at least he was being honest)

And then came the REALLY fun part-his immunizations.

The Medical Assistant felt pretty confident that she could hold his legs AND give him his shots (all 4) if I would just hold his arms. Apparently she's never met my child. It only took her a moment to realize, as he was simultaneously screaming and crying at a decibel level just above that of a screaming banshee, while thrashing around violently, that she would have to call in backup.

Despite my reassurances that it would be over quickly and that he could have just about anything he wanted when he was done it still took 3 of us to restrain him. I tried to get him to sing with me and when that didn't work I tried simply singing calm songs in his ears. It didn't work.

Once they were finished and opened the door to go get the candy bowl two more medical assistants walked in to coo and coddle over him and make sure he was okay. One was even in tears she felt so bad for him.

Needless to say I was not his best friend today.

He limped around the rest of the day and made sure he told everybody he saw that his legs hurt because he got shots today.

I like to look on the bright side if anybody should ever try to kidnap my child I now know they won't get far.

(does that make me terribly morbid that I would even have that thought?)

Mother of the year

Adam is frequently bored these days. He seems to need constant brain stimulation or else he starts whining or picking on his younger siblings. For the first time I am starting to question my decision to not put him in preschool because I think he is just not challenged enough anymore and needs to be learning new things. Thank goodness he starts school in a few months.

Car rides are especially painful to him. 2 minutes into any drive the barrage of questions begin. "Are we there yet? How long is it going to take to get there? Why do we always have to go places in the car?"

So the following conversation from a day of running errands should not come as a surprise to anybody.

Adam: "I am tired of riding in the car. Why is this taking so long?"

Me: "Because I like to torture you. It is my goal in life to torture you."

Adam: (in an extremely whiny tone) "Well, why do you want to torture me?"

Me: "Because it's my prerogative as a parent to do so."

Murphy's Law

Murphy's law is an adage in Western culture that broadly states: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

I am learning (the hard way, because it seems the only way I know how to learn) that Murphy's Law is especially true in parenthood. Or maybe in the case of parenthood it could be reworded to be "A child can and will make any bad situation exponentially worse."

I know I've written about potty training before. But with Zoey finally making the switch from diapers to big girl underwear it really feels like I'm experiencing all the joys of potty training for the very first time again.

And so tonight I bring you Murphy's Law of potty training.

~The earlier to decided to begin potty training the more likely your child is to be the last person in their nursery class to be potty trained.

~If your wishful thinking entices you to buy underwear in size 2T your child will outgrow them before they have a need for them.

~The later your own child potty trains the more likely you are to be in play group with THAT MOM whose child does everything SO EARLY.

~Should you be desperate enough to check out potty training DVD's from the library (or worse yet, shell out real money for them) you will find that the more annoying the song the more likely it is to get stuck in your head. And yet, have exactly zero effect on your child's desire to use the potty.

~The newer your carpet the more likely your child will pee on it. Okay, who am I kidding. Your child will pee on the old, ugly carpet, too.

~Your child will ALWAYS wait until the last possible second to tell you they have to go to the bathroom. Which is usually when you have filled your shopping cart to the brim, have been waiting in line for 10 minutes to pay and you are next up.

~And they will ALWAYS have to go at the location with the dirtiest bathroom.

~The length of the line at the restroom will be in direct correlation to how frantically your child is crying "I gotta go! I gotta go!"

~Or worse yet, the restroom will be closed for cleaning.

~When playing outside your child will never pee their pants while standing on the grass. They will always, instead, be sitting in the sandbox.

Anyway you slice it parenting is not for the faint of heart!